I Just Need A Little...

I don't need much, I just need a little...

I need a little inspiration today, possibly from one of these little quotes that I have scribbled on one of the bajillion (that's a lot, by the way) Post It notes that border my desk.

I need a little time to clear my head of the racing thoughts of what, when, who, where, and how the hell??

I need a little attention, whether it's given by myself or received from someone else. Somehow, my needs seem to have been lost somewhere between this grocery shopping trip and the last. I guess I should've put them on the shopping list...

I need a little understanding. Unfortunately, that would require me to fully divulge my feelings, situation, etc. so that's just not going to be happening right now.

I need a little passion. In my work, with another, for life as a whole, or all of the above.

I need a little stability. Period.

It seems as though I need much after all!

C.

Hmmm...

I'm sad today. Can't put my finger on it but I am, just the same.

Maybe it's the life I have, or the life I want, or the life I know I'll never have.

Maybe it's who's in my life, who's out of my life, or who's never going to be in my life.

Maybe it's nothing, or something, or a lot of everything.

Hmmm...

C.

Laugh, Cry, or Just Get Hysterical?

Laugh, cry, or just get hysterical? I'm not sure which would make me feel the best!

I think we can all speculate on how our country has arrived at this "place". By "place" I mean circumstance, mindset, values, morals, and such divisiveness that this nation will never be as it was meant when named The "United" States.

I don't know a lot about much, but I do know a little about a few things. And, one thing I know is that there is never, EVER harm in education. You learn all of the days of your life. You learn when you want to and when you don't even know it. It's when you no longer want to that you might as well hang it up because, seriously, what's the point? It's the learning about life and people and places and ourselves that makes life tolerable and, on those lucky days, enjoyable! We don't always know how things will end up and, if we're really lucky, things won't go as planned and the opportunity will be presented to discover a new path with new surroundings that is all ours to learn about. To question and be curious is how we've gotten to this place with all the modern conveniences and luxuries. It's the child/adults that are not curious and only do by being told, that will live a very unsatisfying life.

How it has come that the parents of school-age children (and others, I'm sure) are offended, scared, or even find it "creepy" that the President of this so-called "United" States will direct a few moments of his attention, on Tuesday, to the children of this nation is so far beyond my realm of understanding that I need just one person to explain this to me. Did it not seem creepy on September 11, 2001, that as our President was told this nation was under attack, he continued reading My Pet Goat? No? Not creepy, not scary to think that he didn't react immediately? No?

We're told, as parents, that we have the option to allow our children to "opt out" of the Presidential Address to this nation. Are you serious?? I know that in the 50's there was a weekly Presidential Address heard in schools all over America via radio and you better believe those children weren't allowed to "opt out". They sat and they listened whether they liked it or not because it's that important, no matter who the President elect is. No matter if he is the one you voted for or the one you despise, it's the President of The "United" States of America and at what point do we rely on our children to get their education and make good use of it. They may not listen and they may be filled with questions (which should be openly discussed), this is a good thing, not something that should be stifled.

And, I won't even get in to how it's going to make the children feel to be removed from a classroom over their parents political beliefs!

Oh, and if anyone wants to tell me that it's because the President might mention this health care reform...then explain how kids will be able to persuade their parents to vote for such a god-awful thing. Or, is there something I don't know about and it's actually the kids that will vote on the health care reform?? Either way, I just don't get it!

C.

Maybe I'm Just Needy

I don't know if it's in the upbringing or if people are just a certain way. I kind of think it parallels my OCD tendancies. I just think that things should be equal. I think if I do something a certain way then I expect to receive an equivalent in return. It could be something simple like tossing the clothes from the washer to the dryer and the next person comes along and does the same. Or, you check on me when I'm sick and I'll make sure to check on you when you're sick. Perhaps it's something trivial like I'll hand over my whole being (thoughts, emotions, chaos, all included) in exchange for a piece of you when I need it.

Now, I don't say this because I do things simply out of duty or expectation or because I have that in the back of my mind when I'm doing something. No, I do everything I do because I need to. I really need to. If I don't, I just won't be right with myself. It will consume me like a person with OCD that needs to touch the stove 5 times with the left hand and 5 times with the right at least 5 times in a row (no, no, I don't do that, silly...my number is 3).

So, I do what I do out of my own necessity. I guess I sometimes wish that I was someone else's necessity too.

C.

On Rare Occasions I'm at a Loss.

It doesn't happen often, but there are times when I just don't know where to begin. I can't seem to find a single word to begin my sentence. But, I'll give it a shot.

In my trolling of online news I came across one of those stories midway down the list of nationwide news. Not a headline or even within the first handful of stories. No, this must be a "filler" story. I'll paste the link at the bottom just in case you want to see the whole thing, what there is of it.

Apparently, a 39 year old mother with depression (hey, I'm almost 39 and I have depression) decided that she'd stab her 2 year old daughter with a pair of scissors. When she was stopped by a security guard, she then tried to strangle her with an electrical cord until she was pulled off of her again. I don't know if I should say that "luckily" the little girl survived because I'm way too much of a pessimist to state that. But, the little girl did survive.

I am horrified, throat-locking-horrified, at the thought of being that two year old little girl looking into her mother's psychotic eyes, seething with a venom that none of us should ever know. I move from horrified to that pit-in-your-stomach-sadness to think that she looked at her mother and screamed in agony, as she felt such pain each and every time that pair of scissors went into her little body. What the hell? Didn't she hear her little girl screaming? I don't care if you didn't take your medicine! I don't friggin' care! Didn't it snap her out of it when she got past the first stab? No? C'mon! I just can't relate! I don't get it, and believe me I have been severely depressed over my lifetime.

But, depression isn't psychotic. Depression isn't something you take out on other people. It's something you direct inward, self-inflicting, if you will. If this is a result of depression then some revisions need to be made to medications, treatments, diagnosis, medical books, etc.

Because, and this is what I find repulsive...this woman, this "mother" has bail set at $100,000. Un-frickin'-believable! Who does this?! Who sets bail for someone so unstable and crazed that they are capable of such atrocities?

Granted, she may not have the cash, but what the hell are we doing? You cannot tell me that we can rest easier tonight knowing that this nation demonizes same-sex marriage and people actually praise George Tiller's murderer (or his profession, for that matter) and Chasity Bono's sex change is making the top of every gossip column. And, I can't even get in to the museum shooter! This, THIS is what we are made of, this wonderful nation of freedom and liberty. Puhleeze!!

I don't want to be this! I don't want to be numb to this ever! I don't want to read a story about a little girl stabbed by her mother and just move on to the next story without crying, not ever! This is not how we should be teaching our kids or anyone's kids to be. We need to be kind and caring and all we seem to grab hold of are the bars that keep us safe from everything beyond our big bay windows. Neighborhood watch as I like to call it. Well, I don't want to just sit and watch during commercial breaks. I want to live in a great big world where little girls aren't stabbed by their mother's. Where there would be no such thing as bail for anyone doing something so horrific.

I don't know where that place is but I just have to believe that we're more than this.

C.

http://www.telegram.com/article/20090611/NEWS/906110665/1101

It's All in the Details...

When you wish for something make sure to include the details. Because I do believe it's all about the little things that will ultimately determine whether you'll actually want what you wish for after you get it.

For instance:

That great job, with great pay, doing what you love the most? Make sure the details specify that you don't surrender every weekend with your kids and late night conversation with your spouse.

Those adorable kids, one boy and one girl, of course? Specify in the details that they're not maniacal leeches sucking the last bit of patience and energy from your exhausted mind by way of what must certainly be invisible tentacles (that's the only reasonable explanation).

That charming husband or wife? This is where detail is imperative...enough said.

Those moments of silence that you wish for? Make sure the details include that they're rare and in times of need. Otherwise, it's just deafening and kind of sad, really.

That family and those friends that you love to death? Make sure that they love you back.

That beautiful house with a wonderful view? Absolutely make sure the details layout the days the cleaning crew will come in to take care of the path of destruction that follows your children.

That sexy car you've always wanted? The details must include that it's only yours. No teenager can incessantly pester you to drive it. Nor can they take it without permission whether you find out about it or not. It's got to be all yours.

The wonderful insurance benefits offered with low co-pays and a minimal premium? I think it goes without saying that the details must outline that it cannot be in place because you need treatment for any illness other than that which is short term and pain free. Or, if there must be pain, it must be written that you have the most excellent pharmacy coverage.

The energy of your children that you wished you had? For God's sake make sure, make sure, it's clear that you don't get that energy so late at night that you're wide awake with a mind that never stops!
But, if you do...please forward the link to your blog so that I know I'm not alone...

C.

Like A Wave...

Like a wave in the ocean, only without the grace and beauty.
Without the calming effect until long after and only by default.

This feeling of hopelessness drowns me.
I can't get my footing or catch my breath.
I don't know which way is up, down, or if I want to find either one.
I'm consumed.
Consumed by something so much greater than myself.
A haunting vision that rears it's ugly head far more often than I care to acknowledge.
I know survival mode will carry me out.
To the surface where I can see...and breathe.
I'm exhausted.
So tired of holding my breath.
So tired of trying to just get a grip and stand in one place for a minute in a state of rest.
So tired of not having learned after all these years, how to ride that wave.

God damn it, why can't I figure it out!
That frustrates me.
I frustrate me!

But, after that wave has swallowed me whole and spit me back out, I am washed ashore.
I lay there, for my daily eternity, with only my eyes having the energy to move.
Possibly a calming effect by default.
Survival mode seems to zap me of my super powers to put on a happy face right now.

C.

I wanna be...

I wanna be so many things. So many things, I thought I'd make a list.


I wanna be smiling when I wake up tomorrow.

I wanna be inspired by a stranger who can offer nothing but conversation.

I wanna be worth breaking plans with a best friend.

I wanna be worth a long distance phone call really, really late at night.

I wanna be the little girl chasing fireflies late into the summer evening.

I wanna be who I am, only good at it.

I wanna be happy even when I feel sad.

I wanna be so far beyond my childhood fears.

I wanna be good enough for everyone that matters, especially myself.

I wanna be able to hug my children when I need it most.

I wanna be in the presence of people that love me...all the time.

I just wanna be.



C.

Tough love is tough on who?

It's so difficult to sit across from my son with a stern look and dry eyes. He's such a little boy, toying with my shoelace. Always will be, I suppose. He can barely speak he's so emotional and so in need. In need of so much he can't even wrap his brain around it all. In need of something as simple as a hug and in need of things he isn't even aware of. But, he's in need. I so badly want to make it all go away and replace it with laughter and smiles, that's what I'm in need of.

But, tough love is what I've always heard about, and believed in. You can't just love them, they'll use it as ammunition. But, it's so difficult to love someone so conditionally when you have always loved them without reservation or explanation. There's no rhyme or reason why those cute things they do make you love them even more. No one even asks why or what makes your child so endearing. It's your child, just as simple as that. To attempt to define it would be time taken from other, more important, tasks. So, why bother?

Now, I'm supposed to reserve my love for good behavior and gestures of love in exchange. This is a love that I need. For almost half my life, this is what I've gotten out of bed for. Those days before I had children and all I wanted was to stay in bed and be non-existent, that was no longer an option once I knew what was there for me. A toothless grin, a work of art created with markers (the same markers that "accidentally touched" his face), a cartoon-rehearsing-cheerio-eating-sleepy-eyed-kid. Something. Chaotic or not, it was something. In those days, it's funny how I thought permanent marker on the wall was a problem! HA! Naivity can take you much further than you could go, otherwise...

I digress.

Now I'm forced to hold back on being loving and give it out sparingly? How? How do I do that when that is the one thing that he surely needs more than anything else? How do I sit across from him with a stern look and dry eyes?

That's a tough way to love, alright.

C

Be Happy, Just Don't Be Gay...

So, the next time you dream about your children and what you wish for them, I want to know what you really wish for. I want someone to tell me what it is they wish for their children to have in their lives. Is it a good job, a respectable husband/wife, adorable children free of special needs. What?

I can tell you what I've always wished for mine. Maybe out of the norm but I've never had a single vision of my children in a particular occupation. Never. I've never thought or wished that a doctor, a lawyer, or a preacher they would become. No, not even once. The only two things, and I mean the only two things I've ever wished for my children is to live up to their potential (whatever that may be) and happiness. Not drug-induced, wreckless-behavior kind of happiness. Rather, happiness that does not impose upon the happiness or well being of others. Happiness that you can see when they walk through the door for Sunday dinner. Happiness that shines through their eyes, the same eyes of that little toddler running around in footy-pajamas squealing with delight before bedtime. Happiness that they can accept because they know they're worth it and they can embrace because they have been embraced themselves during their lives. That's it. That is the only thing I've ever wished for my children. Everything else is secondary and I really don't care one way or the other about it all. If they're living paycheck to paycheck and getting their electric shut off every other month, I'd be frustrated, but if they laughed instead of cried about it, I'd know they'll be just fine. I'd even hand them the money to have it turned back on...maybe.

But, I've never said to my children during any conversation about future, past, present or hypothetical "I want you to be happy, just don't be gay". I've never suggested to my children that being gay isn't really being happy and that they would never have a real marriage, if they ever wanted one, because they say that a marriage has been defined between a man and a woman. Even though Merriam Webster's Dictionary has it defined as: (2) the state of being united to a person of the same sex in a relationship like that of a traditional marriage.

No, you'll never hear me say anything like that to my kids. I can be true to that, I assure. I find this to be the worst kind of set up for any child, or adult, for that matter. To lead your child down a path of "you can be whatever you want to be" just so long as it adheres to what is defined as right and wrong by whomever creates these definitions (probably the same as those who create street names...).

How mean spirited does one have to be to do that to their own child to the point that many suicides are the end result. Is that seriously worth it? Who cares??!! Stop trying to micro manage your kids' future and just embrace it all. This is it! That footy-pajama-wearing-squealing-toddler is the same one you look at now. Would those squeals of delight been less enjoyable had you known they would be in a same-sex relationship? You can't even tell me those footy-pajamas would look less adorable on a homosexual toddler because they're just toddlers, right? Their just little kids, right? Their just your kids right? Well, if that is your biggest worry or issue with your kids, then you've done something really right. If your child can look into their future with everything ahead of them being a challenge and say "I'm ready!", you've empowered them and made them feel like they can be anything. That is unconditional love. Stop talking about it, stop charging for it...just give it!

C